Companies keep going out of their way to give me credit.

For that, I’m deeply indebted.

Funny Quotes

Bad News, Good News….

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was
greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. “We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.”

“Oh my god!” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.”

“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

BUYING FLOWERS
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. “How often do you do that?” one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, “Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first.”

Funny Sayings

Pirate Jokes

are always popular around this time of year.

 Here is a rather famous pirate Joke.

Pirate Jokes by Famous People

Posted by quotes on January 3, 2007

Jokes - Pirate Jokes by Famous People

Q:  Why don’t pirates get carpal tunnel syndrome?

A:  Because they practice   …  Arrrgghonomics.

- Bill Austin

It is probably still a bit early for Christmas Jokes but this landed in our Inbox today.

Santa Claus Pet Peeves

Kids who refuse to believe that it’s fruitcake on your breath and not booze.

When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.

Even with the costume, people recognizing you from “Crime Watch”.

Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask.

Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.

Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.

Kids who don’t understand that Santa’s been a little jittery since he got back from ‘Nam.

Lap rash.

The FCC has fined the Family Channel $5 million for allowing Frosty the Snowman to run around naked during prime time.

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Guilty or not guilty?

Guilty or Not Guilty??? You be the Judge!

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

DA: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
LoL:  There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
DA: Did you know him?
LoL: No, but he sure was friendly.
DA: What happened after he sat down?
LoL:He started to rub my thigh.

DA: Did you stop him?
LoL: No, I didn’t stop him.
DA: Why not?
LoL: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
DA: What happened next?
LoL: He began to rub my breasts.
DA: Did you stop him then?
LoL: No, I did not stop him.
DA: Why not?
LoL: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

DA: What happened next?
LoL:  Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just lay down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
DA: Did he take you?
LoL: No! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him.

Very Funny Jokes

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for mylicense and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

“I think you’ve paid your debt to society,” he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

Jokes Funny

A football player had an eye gouged out during a particularly violent game. Inspired by his coach’s pep talks he refuses to give up the game and has a glass eye fitted. Although he is still able to play football, he knows that he is not the same player he was before. Also, off the field he is having a hard time adjusting, he constantly feels self conscious about the glass eye.

His doctor gives him the good news that complete eye transplants are now possible. But the bad news is that there’s a chronic lack of donors and the waiting list is about five years.

One night, driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, his glass eye fails to detect a guy trying to go around his car on a motorcycle. He changes lanes and sends the motorcycle flying.

It’s late at night and nobody’s around and it’s clear to the football player that the cyclist is dead. He makes a quick decision and cuts out one of the cyclists eyes with his pen knife. He figures if he rushes it to his surgeon he’ll be able to perform the transplant. Before he leaves he pops out his glass eye and places it in the cyclist’s eye socket.

Everything is fine for a few weeks, his new eye is working perfectly. But he starts to worry about the cyclist. Everything had happened so fast - what if he wasn’t dead after all?

He decided to call the local police station and enquire about the accident.

“Yes, the poor fellow was dead alright,” said the officer, “but it’s still all very mysterious.”

The guy felt a chill of fear run up and down his spine, “Mysterious?” he asked.

“Yeah, how did he manage to ride his bike all the way up here from Los Angeles with two glass eyes?”

Lynda was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.

Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her.

She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies’ room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, “I’ll bet none of you thought I would make it.”